i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
