shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
