Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
