it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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