also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
3pm strippers are depressing
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
