2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Who died my cat blue again?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
