I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
This is my gift to your gina
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
