I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
