it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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