Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
