wakey wakey hands off snakey
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ladies don't puke and tell
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
