I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
