Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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