nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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