just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
