The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
