I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
