Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
