I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
