btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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