she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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