I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
