just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
