Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
