found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
