You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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