Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
