Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
