it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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