I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
