Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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