I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
