I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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