I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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