I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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