just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
