Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
