He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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