If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize