From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
