If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
