i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize