i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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