Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
