you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
