I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
