come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
