I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
