my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
