and you said cock pushups were impossible
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
