Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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