I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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