What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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