Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
