Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
