She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
