Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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