how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
