just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
not ubering you a puppy
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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